Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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