I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
