My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
