My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
