I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
