new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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