I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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