bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
