It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
