I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
