A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize