I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
