This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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