Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
