Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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