um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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