don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
