She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
