I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
