i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
