I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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