I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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