Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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