i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
