Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
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