Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
