i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize