grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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