last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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