She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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