I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
