she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize