She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize