Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
