I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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