my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
