It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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