Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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