My Higher Power is John Stamos
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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