you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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