It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
