think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
