Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
