So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
