The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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