Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
