I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
