She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
A+ Viking dick
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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