I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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