I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
