Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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