Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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