I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
