she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
