Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
