I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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