Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Oh god it's open bar.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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