He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
