i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
