I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
