Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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