Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
nutella sex= disaster
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
