My underwear smells like fireworks.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
