You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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